Off the couch...

If someone were to describe me, I am pretty sure introverted and homebody would not be the words they use.  However, I think it would surprise more people than not that there are many times a shyness or an insecurity takes over that results in me being quiet in front of people or wishing to just stay home on my couch.

The results of life have determined that being shy or sitting at home are no where near as endearing as reaching out to people and making myself slightly uncomfortable off the couch.

Did you know that when I coach and I have to stand there in front of 17 adolescent girls it still makes my stomach churn? I have been doing it for 10 years and still, I get nervous when I know they are all looking at me with expectation.

I don't like being the one to introduce myself. But if I didn't, there would be a few good friends missing from my life today.

I was miserable the first time we attended small groups at our church. The new guys, the new peeps with no attachments and everyone was trying to figure us out.  It took awhile, but now I have some amazing people in my life.

I hate reaching out and marketing for business, especially still being the new kid on the block, but despite the nerves, I have work hanging in three major reception sites in 2013.

I say this because I often have people tell me they wish they had my outgoing personality or my ability to forge a new path or the talent needed to succeed. From the outside...perhaps I can see why they might say such things.

But this is me:

It's hard to meet to meet new people.

I despise change.

I cringe when I have to publicly speak

I beg for alone time

I entertain all the time and I hate cooking :)

Confrontation is a foreign word to me

Prayer is harder than complaining

Critique is easier than love


Sound like a success story? haha

 I have just learned that the results of being that person who reaches out is much better than the person who hides behind insecurities and fear.  Trust me, every time I post an image from a wedding or a session I cringe.  "What if people don't like it"  "what if other photographers are rolling their eyes at my ability when they see this?"  See?  every time!  I have learned to ignore that little  doubt bubble that rises.  I have learned God takes our greatest weakness and makes it our greatest strength.

So, please the next time someone says they with they had some attribute of mine, I shall tell them...they your internal wish would be to relax on the couch and really not have to deal with 80% of life :) but the other 20% says to pull up my big girl pants .... because there is a beautiful world to tap into.

ramblings...

If i hold you for a moment

i'll hold onto it forever

if you only tell me I love you once

then once is enough

If you give me a piece of your heart

then a piece is all i need

if tomorrow we never spoke

i've had the chance to hear you laugh

my words are my arms

to hold you when i can't

my thoughts  are my fairy tale

i invite you into sometimes

A jaded reality 

meets  happy ever after

a story meets it's beginning

If I only write a chapter

it would be a beautiful one

if i wrote an ending

it would only be a happy one

reality can fight my story

distance can stop my a dream

a heart can go on believing

even if it believes alone

So distracted...

Sometimes those introspective moments drive me crazy. Those times where you feel like something amazing is about to happen or perhaps if you sat down and dedicated yourself right then in there you would produce the next best novel..ever or painting master piece.  You can't shake it. I don't know!  I sit here this morning trying to answer emails, work and get things done..but I am so distracted. 

It might have been the meteor shower last night. THAT was amazing.  It was such a reminder of how small we really are. How much we don't know. We can't re-create that. We have to be in awe of such an event.  

I am surrounded every day by talented people. I used to be so intimidated by great writers, photographers - musicians don't intimidate me because I can't begin to play an instrument well :) 

Artists that ran parallel to what I wanted to do, intimidated me.  This week has been a great time of investing in knowing those talented people and making me feel like we are all in this together. This crazy ride of producing and creating.  It's hard to explain, but I think some of you know exactly what I am talking about...

So I think those conversations have renewed some creativity. We'll see, but yea I'm still distracted. Even this blog really doesn't make sense!

winter writing

It seems blogging comes and goes for me. I think winter, at least for me releases more time to do internal things with external results. Writing comes easier in the winter.  I am a little less busy with work, I like to be hunkered down with snowflakes falling outside and the early darkness forces me into my pajamas by like 6:30 haha...ok not really, but sometimes it happens.

So, I think I'll exchange a few things here and there on the writing forums, who knows.  But, the blog, at least - has not been forgotten :)

"the best kind of art is produced with the heart is wrench and suffocated or when it's plumped and affectionate. Anything in between, feels stationary.  So, does that mean if you are an artist you must live in extremes? Of that -I am not sure."